Finding Your Balance ⚖

It's been only a few weeks since our daily lives have been interrupted and forever changed by a pandemic that has completely taken us by storm. Seeing this virus take course on such a global scale really consumes many of us with a sense of helplessness. There's a level of anxiety that infiltrates your consciousness and tests your sanity when you're forced out of your daily routine and basic habits. For some of us, this is really the first time in a long time that we've been able to settle down and think. Being alone with your thoughts can sometimes be a formidable experience. For me personally, this came at a time where I had already been in sort of a Bootcamp for months. I had been alone at home with my thoughts since early summer contemplating everything from the launch of this new website to the set of circumstances that had brought me to that very place. Not only had I been practicing to live with my thoughts, but I had also experienced anxiety that ran rampant and did its job in keeping me completely off balance prior to my own mental quarantine. I saw myself in a familiar mental space in the wake of seeing so many people struggle to be in the confines of their homes; ultimately within the confines of their thoughts. Now as I see people struggle with keeping busy and staying at home, I realize I had already been in sort of my own quarantine before all of this, and that was probably why I wasn't having as much of a hard time as some friends and family. Life gives us so many situations that are distinct, yet somehow completely relevant to each other. Up until late spring last year I worked as a sweater designer for an apparel company that had been in business since the late '70s. For months the employees festered with the speculative knowledge that the company was financially unstable. This company like so many others were downsizing, not replacing those who had jumped ship, and consolidating work roles. All changes that would naturally take a toll on any employee who had a pulse. In speaking to friends who were also in the industry it seemed as though there was no escaping this being somewhat of the new normal. They were all experiencing a degree of the same changes themselves. So many of us walked into work every morning with the notion that there would be some other type of bad news. Soon the train ride to work would become a sort of loud meditation space to help build me up before the takedown once I walked into work. The speculating, whispers, and gossip at work had all become an unavoidable annoyance. Seeing coworkers and friends get let go week after week was tormenting. The work pile up and the number of hats everyone left had to wear was absurd. Job searching and not being able to find alternative work at such a desperate time was exhausting. By the time the company finally filed bankruptcy, half of the staff had been laid off. The stress of all this mental turmoil had already affected me in ways I wasn't aware of until I started to feel the pain. There was this disabling cramping right at my center. It was so painful that it knocked the wind out of me. I had internalized so much stress that I had literally made myself sick. I was forced to check what this pain was and later found it was a chronic case of gastritis with the bonus of a hiatal hernia. My consciousness couldn't focus long enough to get a sense of how the environment was sucking my energy. It was a wake-up call. I was letting myself be consumed by worry and fear and this in a sense was like a virus itself. The day I received notice that it would be my last... there was a sense of worry no doubt, financially I wouldn't be contributing to my family, but there was also a sense of relief and calm that blanketed over me. I felt like I had the opportunity I do right for myself again. I had a clean canvas. Up until this moment, I had been so stressed and unhappy, asking the universe to help clear my mind and allow me to find the road I was meant to be on. Now after being laid off I had been faced with the opportunity to have time to actually think and regroup. Only it came with a set of new challenges. Before now, my time was mapped out for me. As shitty as the schedule may have been I already had a routine and a paycheck to look forward to. Being faced with having to manage your own time sounds favorable, but you can quickly go scatter brains if you try doing too much all at once. I decided to spend the summer bonding with my son. He, my husband, and I enjoyed a few amazing road trips that I otherwise may not have taken. I launched the website and managed the new business while balancing being supermom and wife as usual. I honestly hadn't prepared this many meals in the kitchen since my son was a baby. Being at home was refreshing in its own right, but there was so much to juggle now and I was the only person in charge of reminding myself of all the tasks at hand. In the lense of everyone else, I was back to just being a stay at home mom/housewife, which meant I should have all the time in the world right? I would get up early morning as usual, but before I knew it the day was over and I felt I had only gotten half or even less than half of my to-do list done. The process was defeating. With the expectation of now having the time to fulfill all of my mom duties, I saw myself with barely any time to focus on supporting the business I was trying to build. The school year had now wrapped back around and while I was happy about being at home with my family and enjoying so many unforgettable memories with them, I also felt I had failed at propelling my business forward. I mean this was in part the reason I decided to also stay home. Yet, here I was getting pulled into another routine that pushed it further away. I felt guilty for resenting my role as mom and wife for making it harder, and I felt inadequate for having a season go by with not many business goals met. I started job searching again and went on interviews with no promising results in return. Feeling like I was in limbo between my professional career and the dream of creating my own was mental warfare now that my son was back at school and the home was quiet. I wrestled with the idea of giving up on it and just heading back to work. I had asked the universe for time and space, but I hadn't made the best of the wish granted to me. At least that's the way I felt most weekday mornings when I sometimes failed at creating content for posts, making jewelry, while also putting in a load of laundry, tidying up, and preparing to pick up my son from school after. Whoever said pimping wasn't easy was obviously never a mom. I would listen to Oprah's Master Class most mornings and tried meditating in search of ensuring my purpose and why I was home again in the first place. I reached out to friends and talked about the common threads that make us all struggle to be our best selves. With my husband reassuring me that he supported my goals and friends and family supporting my business, I began to have a greater sense of the balance only we can create within ourselves. Holidays had come and gone and business had begun to pick up. I was meeting and surpassing my small business goals. Sure I had ignored some laundry for a while, but this was all in the process of finding my balance. The idea that I can't check off all things on my to-do list, or not be available for everyone constantly took some time to get used to. Honestly, I'm still working on it. But having all of this quiet alone time has lead me on a road of personal discovery and better mental clarity. Amidst all these good vibes we were hit with a pandemic. It's a scary and uncertain time. There's a huge unknown on what facts are still able to change and how we will ultimately be affected. Pulling from my own experience has allowed me to let go of what I am unable to change and control and focus on what I can. Everyone has their own process, but there is nothing more certain than the fact that now more than ever there is someone else who is going through the same experience. Take comfort in that we are truly all in this together.

Nothing is forever. Stay safe, and stay positive!